I could tell you about what's happened since she and I broke up but it doesn't matter. I miss her. I did the right thing and as usual, it sucks & it hurts. A bunch of hoez have hollered at me. I've been emotionally distant and vacuous.
I remember ages ago, I drove an ex home b/c she was too drunk to drive. The only girl before my ex that I miss in a similar fashion....a girl whom I regarded as a close/best friend & a lover. At any rate, I drove her home, and she asked me to stay, asked me to sleep with her and hold her.....I walked out, knowing in my brain I was doing the right thing yet feeling like shit. This was only a couple months after I'd met my most recent ex.
This is like that.
Contrary to popular fiction, I sometimes do the right thing. I don't make a habit of it b/c it hurts almost as much as doing the wrong thing for which I seem to have a much higher propensity/inclination.
I'm doing okay compared to times past when she and I were apart. I haven't slid into the day after day bender. I've got a fight booked in a month which is good reason to maintain functional/semi sobriety, yet in the past I didn't even manage that. My first fight, I worked a double and drank the night before. My 2nd fight, I drank the weekend before. Seriously. Perhaps, slowly but surely, I am becoming slightly more mature...that or I'm just getting tired.
I miss her. More than I can even consciously admit. I miss what we shared and the feeling of her body pressed against mine, lying in her bed, running my fingers through her hair. I miss the precious weight of her body on my chest and her natural smell, no perfume, nothing, just the smell of her skin and body.
God, I fucked up. This is one of those that will mar my soul.
So, instead of blogging endlessly about how much I miss her.....there's nothing to see here. I'll post again when I have something else to say/feel/blog about.
-With Greatest Affection
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