Monday, June 7, 2010

Woke up. Drove home.

Got some coffee.
Thought about her.
Wedding coming up. Seems fitting for her to be my date...but I don't think it will happen.
Being around her is just too painful. Being around her at a wedding would be far too much.
I know that I have to stay away from her. For her good. I don't want to hurt her again, and I just don't know that I can stop myself from running around on her at some point.

"Can you separate all the darkness from my eyes.....Can you separate me from the sin, is it not too late to try and start again...."
-sometimes it is. sometimes it is too late.

Good thing my fight's coming up. One of the few things that gives me reprieve from myself. The daily exhaustion and focus necessary to get ready. This will be my shortest training camp to date. I don't know how I fucked things up so bad. It's like, fighting is the only thing that lets me go, lets me lose myself. But feeding that impulse, that operating on instinct is part of the problem. That very same drive is what makes it so hard for me to be normal....I miss laying in bed with her head on my chest, reading a book.

I drag myself to my feet. Weary from living the past few days. From operating on impulse. I want peace and quiet. I want reprieve. I know it will be fleeting whenever I find it next. Tonight, after the gym, I'll lay beaten and submitted on the mat...the first of MANY such days in the coming month. The fight is just a reward. I need the gym. It is in my blood, it is part of my fiber now. One in a long line of all or nothing men leased upon the world. Impetuous, straining against convention, too strange to live, yet too rare to die (Thompson).

It's like the crazier I become, the more girls flock to me.
I wish it were different. I wish I were different. Fucking curse.

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