Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Hiding in the Normalcy
Wake up. Nauseating hunger pierces my body as my metabolism is increasing. Brew coffee. Eat healthy breakfast. Tired from Gym. Not tired from boozing it all night nor waking up in my car. I find myself in a routine of normalcy. For a time, I've found reprieve from the wolf hunger that strikes with panic and near nausea at the thought of boredom. I'm bored but tired enough from the gym that I feel content. I noticeably lack the insatiable drive for another night spent in the brink of downtown and floating at the bottom of a bottle. I'm exercising a different demon for the time being. If I can train long and hard enough, it mutes the dark passenger allowing deep, catatonic hours of fitful rest. I can see the lure as I watch the passenger's lips move with wordless promises. The siren's call, however, proves silent and voiceless b/c I am simply too tired to consider rising from the couch. Peekaboo. I see you dark passenger. Suck on this pacifier for a bit longer.
I limp down the stairs, make dinner, watch The Office, and I am humored. The room is quiet. I am grateful simply to be sitting still. Sleep comes without notice, as does my jarring alarm in the morning. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Here's to enjoying the calm of the gym's aftermath/exhaustion and the avoidance of cheap thrills via expensive mistakes. I know this won't last but I feel calm in the knowledge that it will for a time longer. Certainty is hard to come by in many regards.
-With Greatest Affection
The reason safe/code words were invented. Rape fantasy/craigslist used to orchestrate actual rape.