Tuesday, December 8, 2009

A Conversation with a Friend

Soundtrack to this post: I don't want to fall in love by She Wants Revenge
Alternative older Soundtrack: Battleflag by Lo Fidelity Allstars

I was perusing Wal-Mart for some necessities before the gym the other night/checking out the fat ass & tigs on this girl in a nurse's scrubs when I got a text from my buddy. A younger mixed girl stared me down as she walked with her Dad and bought groceries. Ah, the joys of fuckin' Wal-Mart. Human nature on display. I think i had an hour long boner. I'd jerked off that morning before work, so God knows why my cock was on full titl.

I got a response from my buddy to whom I had sent a text asking how his date the other night had unfolded.
His response: "Top 5 Worst Date ever".

I laughed for two reasons: 1) he had taken a girl on a date, and 2) awkward dates are hilarious.
I called him to hear the gory details b/c I'm a pervert/fiend for awkward details and experiences like that.

Me: You know where you went wrong, right?
Buddy: No? Where's that?
Me: You took her on a fuckin' date. I can't remember the last time I boned a chick I took on a bonafide old school 'date'.
Buddy: Yeah, I'd have to consider that a trend for you.
Me: yeah, I don't find dates as productive. That, and I have a girlfriend. Why the fuck would I take another girl on a date?
Buddy: haha, yeah, good point. There is that.

( I have a theory that by eschewing dates as a rule, girls tacitly assume you may have membership in the 'secret society' of guys who know the girls abide by, not the other bullshit set they espouse in speech. )

My buddy recounted her blathering, her ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, her talking about church, her wanting to order wine/appetizer, desert.....she had big tits. I gave him cool points for that factoid. Simple math for simple desires: money in exchange to perchance suck on some ample mammaries. Ah, the simple joys and humor of life never elude me for long. Some girl looked over in semi-shock upon overhearing my convo. She was aghast (read that: she pretended to be with knee jerk emotion). I nodded and tipped my cap to her like any gentleman would. I wish men still wore codpieces. I'd have the most bedazzeld/jeweled codpiece the world ever saw. I stepped into the pharmacy (no, not for herpes medicine) to ask a pharmacy tech with a nice ass and dark hair (no wedding ring) and hipster glasses where they kept the athletic tape. I stared down an older, blonde haired woman in a dress (with a wedding ring) that was perusing tampons. :)

The black girl working checkout appreciated the conversation my buddy and I were having and asked if a big ass was as nice as big tigs. I told her it was in my book, that, "in fact, a real big ass makes up for real flat tigs, or the other way around as the case may be. " She said that I should date black women. I told her I just liked a girl with features. I wasn't sure if she'd know what the word "attributes" meant....but then again, she had honesty in spades, so who am I to judge? Gotta have love for the ladies that don't bullshit.

I've blogged about it before, and I'll recount the statistic yet again: girls I've taken on true blue dates and later boned since college: 2. Fucking 2. 1 more than 1. 2 more than FUCKING ZERO over a 3+ year span. Number of chicks I've boned since then that I haven't taken on regular dates/met for coffee/at a bar/met for drinks/whatever: 15-20. That is roughly 7-10 times the old school method of "take on a date, get to know, possibly have sex with later".

I told my buddy that my litmus test for chicks is the no date policy I strictly enforce: a girl cool enough to not expect a date/dinner/spending money just to talk with is probably cool enough to 'date'. I put the cart before the cow, I think that's the metaphor. Maybe not. Fuck it.

At any rate....remember kids: no dates, don't ask names, and don't ask for phone numbers. Have the girl and/or the 'relationship' on your terms or not fucking at all.
Headed to the gym and tossed then submitted some chaps in heartlessly ruthless fashion.

Life is good. Misery is optional. The monkey's mostly off my back as of late. Work's going well. I have the 'never far from awareness' myriad of mistakes and broken birds in my wake, but then how else could my life be? I'm a man. I adore the gamble and I love the rollercoaster. You can only win what you put in the middle. No day is as good for me as a day with the depths of a low and the heights of a high.
Good luck and happy hunting my faithful readers. Be who and what you are.

-With Greatest Affection

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