Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Amateur Night

The adult year is filled with a number of nights where those individuals normally relegated to Fri/Sat going out, letting off steam from work, but not tried & true enough to weekly soldier through a hangover whilst façade’ing their way through staff meetings….decide to go out.

In no particular order: Halloween, New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day (if single), & St. Patrick’s Day.

Each has its particular silver linings, by and large, however, they are a waste of time:

Halloween – slutty apparel virtually guaranteed.

New Year’s – no girl wants to be alone at midnight

Valentine’s – every single girl feels in adequate

St. Patrick’s Day – social/binge drinking lowers standards

All Hallow’s Eve –

No respectable/quality girl wants to retell a hundred times how she met you dressed as a barmaid with her tigs hanging out whilst sporting fishnets while you were simultaneously dressed as Captain Planet, some ninja Turtle, or the always clever FBI/Full Body Inspector guy every bar seems to have in attendance.

New Year’s –

Girls like to believe in fate and timing and coincidence having meaning. It's another form of chick crack...or passive acceptance of external forces that alleviate responsibility for that guy they made out with/sucked off/had sex with in the bathroom. Ala every romantic comedy/girl goes abroad to get over guy, foreign guy falls for her, only at which point the guy back home in America realizes the love of his life may be gone for good….girls will like recounting how they met you on new year’s….they won’t like the reminder that they couldn’t lock down a dude’s arm to be on for such a socially important holiday.

Valentine’s –

*insert girl belief in coincidence/timing/chance/fate*

However, she will be with other friends who are ostensibly single and potentially more willing than ANY other night of the year to cockblock out of hate for the fact that no guy is hitting on them. Wingmen are key to a night such as this. The likelihood you'll not likely take home a decent bird, but the girl(s) you can take home will broadcast it a mile away.

St. Patrick’s –

Large groups, male friends drunk, less likely to notice your come-on in haze of booze and groups talking to one another. Super easy to open with situational shit. As to the likelihood a chick will go home with a random dude in the midst of having come out with something like 4-8 friends (more than likely mixed company)….lots of luck with that.

As it is, just like Friday and Saturday are poor odds for closing, holidays are longer odds. Taking one day out of the year, one shot a year on that holiday to close….dismal odds unless you’re game is super tight…and even then, it’s a tough road to tow.

I believe in Tuesdays. I believe in weeknights far more than other night of the year. I counted up…and statistically, of my entire count of SNL’s….Tuesday were 66% of those girls I same night closed. That is a compelling & telling number.

It may make for a long work day…but why bother having a job if you can’t show up hungover? Pussies talk about being too sick to work. Pussies talk about not wanting to grind out hours on the clock while the maelstrom of hangover assaults your senses. Pussies take the quiet, short road home.

Pussies get enough sleep.

-Good luck and happy hunting my faithful readership

1 comment:

  1. My SNL is actually SDL.
    Mine have happened during the daylight, afternoon hours.